There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
