I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
