I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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