Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
