woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
