***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
