Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
