I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That accounts for only three of the penises
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
