Already got asked if we're dating
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
