Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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