she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
