Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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