In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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