Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
