god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
