your parents love me but you hate me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize