At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
