We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
