Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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