Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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