The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
