1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
