just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she smelled like a LAN party
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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