you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
