So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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