I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
did i walk over a car last night?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
