I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
