someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
