So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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