if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
