Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
