and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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