Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
