Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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