Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
