I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
