i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
