he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wish my penis had a tongue
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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