did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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