11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
