Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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