Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
