I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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