i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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