she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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