i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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