God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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