i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize