I am puke
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
