4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
