so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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