Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
it's like iHOP with fire
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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