So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
