What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize