woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
