fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize