she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
