Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
