come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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