she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
