So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
