Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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