we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
