I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
