You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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