I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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