shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
