matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
