I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize