I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
