did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
