Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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