Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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