He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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