she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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