The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
