I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He kissed a someone with a penis
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize