my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
