it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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