I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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